Uncertainty
by Bagel
Summary: Willow and Xander in Season Three...the "accident"


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Disclaimer: Ok, we all know the drill by now, so let's all say the disclaimer thing together. The Buffster and her Slayerettes belong to the Joss-god. I am only borrowing them, but I promise I'll give them back! 

Dedication: A VERY special thanx to Megdalen who read my story and helped me make it ten times better. Thanx! 

Time: Between the episodes of "Homecoming" and "Revelations" (Also, I am using a scene of dialogue directly from "Homecoming", but I added my own thoughts and feelings.)

…. Denotes thought

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Homecoming.

That one word sent involuntary tremors throughout her body. ~But that's a good thing, right?~ Willow Rosenberg paced up and down her room in fuzzy bunny slippers and Tigger pajamas. In her hands she held a small stuffed puppy that she nervously twisted around like she was wringing out a towel. All the things that had happened; Slayerfest '98, The Homecoming Queen race, and then there was…that. She stopped her pacing for a moment to glance out her window at the eerily shadowed sidewalk below. She wasn't sure what she was hoping to see. Maybe a lost puppy, a crying kid looking for his or her mom, a vampire greedily feasting off a helpless victim. Anything to stop the turmoil her thoughts were causing in her brain. No such luck. The view from her window was as boring as an hour lecture on politics in 17th century England..

"Must be a slow night," She mused out loud. "Buffy's probably eaping around with joy." 

With a shake of her head she forced herself to think of the matter at hand. ~Bad girl! You have to figure out what to do. After all, you can't just ignore… ~ She resumed her pacing, trying to ignore the game of tug-of-war her conscience was playing in her head. ~I want to remember, it was the best moment of my life. But I don't want to remember because, well..I'm so confused!~ Last week, right in this room…no, she couldn't think about it. But she had to. That night last week had plagued her thoughts every waking moment. ~And every sleeping moment; in really vivid detail..~ Willow scolded herself and shook her head, slumping down into a chair. The small auburn-haired girl clutched her stuffed puppy to her chest and heaved a sigh big enough to knock over a small tree. She hung her head and stared at the floor, trying to collect her thoughts that were threatening to drive her crazy. She glanced around her room, her eyes searching for something that no one could possibly see. As her eyes roamed around the room, they were drawn to her closet by who-knows-what. Her homecoming dress hung on a hanger on the doorknob. ~Mom must have picked it up from the cleaners.~ She took in a sharp breath, it seemed her mind had made itself up. The memories came surging back, and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

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They had been getting ready for the dance in her room. He was putting on his tux, but she still hadn't decided what to wear. Willow stepped out from behind her folding screen wearing a simple blue shirt and black skirt.

"What do you think of this?" She requested.

"Nice." 

Slightly disappointed, she searched for something to say.

"It's my first big dance, you know, where there's a boy, and a band.And not just me, alone in my room, thinking about a boy and a band.I just want it to be…"

"Special," He finished for her, tucking in his shirt. "That's why I spared no expense on the tux."

She stepped back behind the screen to search for an outfit he would approve of.

"The tux? I thought you borrowed the tux from your cousin Rigby."

"Expense to my pride, Will," He clarified, struggling to tie his bow tie. "They're our only relatives with money, and they shun us. As they should."

She stepped out again, wearing a white shirt under a sheer black flowered top and a long black skirt.

"What do you think about this?" She asked again, hopefully.

"Nice." He replied.

Noticing his struggle she approached him and reached for his bow tie. She began to tie it and suddenly smiled in spite of herself.

"What?"

"I was just thinking… remember the eighth grade cattelion? You wore a clip-on?"

They both grinned as she finished straightening his tie.

"Yeah, I was pretty stylin' with a clip-on."

"Now here we are, and it's Homecoming."

She stepped back slightly as he answered her.

"We should face it, Will. You and I are going to be in neighboring rest homes while I come over and you adjust my…" He stopped and blushed slightly, "My, uh….Well, I can't think of anything that's not really gross, so…" Willow smiled and retreated behind the screen once again. It was time to bring out the big guns. If this wouldn't impress the male gender, nothing would. She slipped into the dress as she heard him ask behind her. "So, you and Oz, how do I put this, are we on 1st, 2nd, or Ye Gods?"

"That's none of your business Alexander Harris." She scolded him lightly from behind the screen.

"Ah, rounding second."

"You don't know that." ~Time to change the subject Rosenberg, before Xander sees your face glowing right through the screen.~ "What about you and Cordeila?"

"A gentleman never talks about his conquests." He replied as he finished dressing.

"Yeah, and since when did you become a…" She stepped out in a long, navy-blue satin dress that accented her pale skin and auburn hair. Silence reigned as the two best friends stared at each other in stunned silence.

"…Gentleman," She finished, "I know, nice."

"I was gonna go with gorgeous." He breathed as he stepped forward.

"Really?!" She squeaked, taking a step forward, slowly closing the gap between him. "You too, in a guy way."

Willow fidgeted, as she was becoming more uncomfortable by the second. Xander, for his part, appeared shocked.

"Oz is very lucky." He offered.

"So's Cordeila, in a girl way." ~Oh, that sounded great.~

A pregnant silence reigned as they racked their brains for something else to talk about.

"I don't know if I can dance in this. I don't know if I can dance." She finally offered.

"Come on, piece of cake," He reassured her as he completely closed the gap between them, "Here." Xander grabbed her hand and put his other one around her waist, and they began to sway to the soft music coming from her radio.

He swallowed and choked out, "Well, that seems to, uh…"

Willow's voice lowered to a whisper as she replied, "This shouldn't be a problem."

"No, no problem."

She was barely breathing as she found herself leaning in closer and closer to his face. Xander's face was fast approaching hers, and his mouth seemed to be anticipating her arrival. Their lips merged together and Willow swore time froze. She heard and saw nothing; the only sensation she felt was Xander's soft lips pressed urgently against hers and his gentle hands resting lightly on her bare back. ~Ok, this is kind of weird, but nice, and…and…~ Willow's hands seemed to move by themselves and soon they were resting gently on either side of his face. Xander's hands tightened around her waist as the kiss deepened in intensity and feeling. Her mind grew hazy and all her thoughts flew in every possible direction. ~Oh, I definitely like this… no doubts here.~ Willow lost herself in the moment. The only thing she remembered thinking was that nothing had ever felt so right. Ever.

It was at that moment that her conscience chose to deliver her a stinging slap back to reality.

~Oz! Cordeila! My FRIEND Xander!~ Her eyes flew open.

Apparently he had the same thought, and they both immediately pulled away as if they had been burned.

Breathing heavily, and still in shock, Xander's words came out in a rush of air.

"That didn't just happen."

"No," She stammered, "I mean, it did, but, it didn't!"

"Because, I respect you…and Oz. And I would never…" Xander was trying desperately to dig himself out of the hole that their kiss had created.

"I would never…either," Willow attempted to find a reason to explain what had just happened. Her eyes finally rested on Xander's tux and her dress. "It must be the clothes. It's a fluke."

"It's a clothes fluke, that's what it is," He babbled, "And there will be no more fluking."

"Not ever." 

Willow stared into Xander's brown puppy-dog eyes and found herself inexplicably drawn to his face once again. She didn't know what she was thinking, but all coherent thought had vanished from her mind long ago. ~Just one more and that's it. I mean, no one's here and…his lips are so soft…~

They both jumped when they realized what was happening and backed away even faster than before.

"We've got to get out of these clothes." He ordered.

"Right now." 

Realization of what they had just said flashed across their eyes and they hurriedly backed up.

"I didn't mean…" He began.

"I didn't mean…either." She denied, waving her hands for emphasis and rushing behind the screen.

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And that had been it. Xander had changed in record time and had hurriedly rushed out the door shouting a quick goodbye over his shoulder. ~I've never felt so much love in a kiss before. So much passion.So much need. But what does it mean?~

They had vowed it would never happen again, but it was like they couldn't help themselves. The thought of their lips meeting again was a forbidden pleasure, and it was as tempting as candy was to a child. They were kissing kleptomaniacs; in the alley by the Bronze, in the library stacks, even in empty classrooms between periods. They kept at it despite the weird looks from their friends. The thought of getting caught only made every stolen moment more special. They had even put a limit on how many times it could happen a day, but lately that limit had just kept climbing higher and higher. It hadn't just stopped at kissing either. Lately they had been getting bolder. They had played footsie under the lab table in study hall with Buffy and Cordeila right in front of them! Willow was becoming jumpier by the day, and she broke out in a cold sweat every time she saw Xander. It took every ounce of her willpower not to jump up and kiss him hungrily every time they were in close proximity. ~And we know it's wrong, but we can't help it.At least, I can't. I've wanted this to happen for so long, and now it is. Alexander Harris wants to kiss me. ME! Willow Rosenburg. His shy, bookwormy best-bud-since-grade-school friend. The one who he always practiced pick-up lines on, for crying out loud!~ But she had Oz now, and he Cordeila. What were they supposed to tell them? 

"Oh, yeah, we were getting dressed for the Homecoming dance and we each thought the other looked pretty hot so we kissed, and know we can't keep our hands off each other even though we've been best buds since forever and we know each other's grossest habits, so… sorry?"

Somehow she didn't think that would go over well. Besides, how did she know that Xander wanted to break up with Cordeila and be with her? What if this was just their hormones playing with their emotions? How did she know he wouldn't wake up one day and feel nothing for her again, like he hadn't all these years? And what about Oz? He was a great guy. He was loyal, loving, caring, levelheaded, smart, funny…she could go on and on. They were together, and she loved every minute with him. How could she hurt him? After all he's done for me, and all we've been through? From the werewolf deal to her dealings in witchcraft to her loyalty to the Slayer and the Slayerettes, he'd supported her. Could she really throw that all away for a relationship, as wonderful and exciting as it was, that might end anytime?She just wasn't sure. She wasn't sure she'd ever be sure, but she knew she'd have to decide soon.They couldn't hide behind closed doors forever. Someone was bound to find out, and with her luck, it would be the WRONG someone. 

~I just can't decide! I don't know what to do! Just a few months I had no guy, and now I have TWO. The hellmouth sure does work some strange magic. What am I gonna do? I need to talk to someone.~ Willow pondered telling Buffy, but she couldn't bear the thought of burdening her best friend with her problems when Buffy had enough of her own. She certainly couldn't tell her mom, cause, well, that would never happen! Willow even thought about telling Giles, but decided the tweed-clad Englishman might not be the best person to ask for love advice. And Cordeila and Oz were out, obviously. That only left one person. Willow knew they would have to talk about it sooner or later, but she couldn't help hoping it would have been later. Much later. ~Might as well get it over with.~ She heaved a huge sigh and moved to the phone. As she dialed the number she had long ago memorized, memories flashed through her mind. The first time she and Xander had kissed when they were five, the ice cream cone incident two summers ago, the hurt look she saw on his face when she called out Oz's name when she woke from her concussion. The memories were just too much. The added to her already-full cup of confusion and sorrow, and finally it spilt over. Willow dropped her arms to her side and let the phone slip through her fingers onto the carpeted floor.

"Hello? Hello?" a woman's tinny voice said into the phone. 

~Xander's mother. Where's Xander?~ She slowly sat on her bed and buried her head in her hands. Silent sobs racked her small frame as she finally let all the thoughts in her head and emotions in her heart flow out. She didn't know what else to do, and it felt so good not to pent up her feelings anymore. No matter what she decided to do, she was going to hurt someone. That's what scared her the most. She didn't want to lose any of the members of her tight-knit friend circle. They were her world, and she thought they would be so disappointed in her. Willow imagined the hurt looks on Oz and Cordeila's faces when they told them. She knew they would have to tell them whether her and Xander decided to be together or not. Otherwise, her guilt would torment her forever. ~I'm just so confused…and scared. Why did this have to happen? Why now? Why couldn't it have happened before Oz, and before Cordeila? Why? Why?!~ She didn't know the answers to those questions, and she wasn't sure anyone did. Willow wrapped her arms around herself and slowly stood up, still sniffling. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and approached her dark window. She stared blindly into the darkness below, searching for answers to ease her torment. Answers that would never come. Willow wasn't sure how long she had been standing there before she was aware of a presence in her room behind her. She turned around slowly and looked up with tear-filled eyes into the eyes of her visitor.

"Hi." She managed to choke out as she tried to stop the flow of fresh tears with her hand.

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"Willow, what's wrong?!" Xander cried as he crossed the room in two quick strides and enveloped her in his arms. 

He held her for a long moment while she cried on his shoulder, then slowly pulled her away to arms length. She felt his eyes dart quickly over her, searching for any sign of physical injury. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, his eyes returned to her face. 

"Willow, look at me. Talk to me." He commanded softly as he cupped her chin with his hand and tilted her head up.

"I…I…I'm so confused…and scared…" She trailed off and stared at the ground sobbing quietly.

Xander sighed and pulled her close again, mumbling soothing words as he petted her hair with his hand.

"Willow, whatever it is, you can talk to me. I'm here. Shhhhh." Xander quietly shushed her as his words brought forth a fresh flood of tears. 

Willow gripped the back of Xander's sweater and dug her fingers into the soft material. She struggled to control her sobs because she could feel her tears soaking through Xander's sweater. He didn't seem to mind, he just stood completely still and held her silently. ~My rock. My comforter. My protector.~ Willow thought it ironic that she was referring to Xander as hers now, if not out loud. ~It's a start. But I have to talk to him.~ Willow sucked in a few deep, ragged breaths and slowly removed her heavy head from Xander's soaked shoulder. He stared at her intently, concern and caring plainly written on his face.

"Xander," She whispered, "What are we going to do? What are we going to tell everyone? Are we going to tell them? I don't know what to think. I'm so confused. Are we…anything? Do you feel anything for me? Do you…"

"Willow…Willow," He said again as she kept babbling on and on, "That's what I came here to talk to you about. I wasn't sure you'd be here, but something told me you were. C'mon, let's sit down."

He grabbed her by the hand and gently led her to her bed. She sank onto the bed, gripping his hand like it was a lifeline that could snap at any second. Xander slowly pulled his hand from hers and turned to face her.

"Will, what's been happening to us. I…I can't explain it. I don't know what to say. All I know is that kissing you is different from kissing Cordeila. When we first kissed, it felt so right. It was morally wrong maybe, but it was right!" He paused, as if gathering his courage. "I have to be honest with you Will, I always have been. I don't know what to do." Xander sighed after his revelation, obviously relieved to have released his feelings.

Willow was shocked, she'd never heard such an outpouring of emotion from him; her best friend who she thought she knew everything about. 

"Xander, I've been in love with you ever since we were kids.I've watched up close and personal as you flirted with other girls, kissed other girls, and practiced pick up lines on me. Ones that were meant for other girls. I always wished I'd someday be one of those girls, and now it seems I have the chance. But I thought I'd moved on, with Oz, and I thought I was happy. Then Homecoming came and, you know. Besides, you have Cordeila, and I just don't know what's going to happen. I want you so badly, but what if this really is just a fluke? What if we make the wrong decision and wake up the next day regretting it? What will it do to our friendship now that…." She trailed off as he placed a hand on her arm and looked seriously into her eyes.

"I think we need to talk about this. Right now."

Willow looked up at her secret beau and nodded.~Be brave, Willow. Gather up your courage and tell him how you feel. Make him answer your questions. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't.~ She stood up and moved away from him, isolating herself so she would have the courage to speak her mind out loud.

"Xander, I want to do the right thing. I'm just not sure what that is. I feel so helpless, the path my life was taking has just split into two different directions. And I'm not sure which path to follow. I've always followed the straight and narrow path; the one without risks, complicated decisions, or heartache. Now my heart is telling me to take the other path, the one that could be full of rocks and potholes. I just don't know if I have the courage to do it."

Xander had been watching her intently throughout her emotionally charged monologue. Now he stood and moved toward her hesitantly, hand outstretched. She took it and looked into his eyes as he responded,

"Willow, I've always done the opposite. I've gone trotting along the rocky path whistling a merry tune, leading with my head instead of my heart. But my head is screaming two different things at me, and I can't pretend to be oblivious anymore.My head is…"

"Xander," Willow interrupted, "What does your heart tell you? Because I think mine is telling me that…"  
  


"I love you." They finished together.

A shocked silence came over the room as the truth finally washed over the two best friends. They released each other's hands and stepped back, almost afraid to look at each other.

"Did that just happen?" He asked in disbelief, eyes on his shoes.

Willow's head slowly bobbed up and down.

"So..what now?" He asked, shifting his gaze to her face.

"We need to tell them," Willow stated simply, "As soon as possible.It just won't feel right until we do."

"They're going to be so hurt. How can we do that to them? After all we've been through?"

"I don't know, but we have to. We can't lie anymore."

The last week of turmoil had finally come down to a painful truth. A decision had been made, and both could feel a weight being lifted from their conscience at last.

"When?" She asked.She hated to ask him to make the choice, but she just didn't think she could. 

"Well, now's a good a time as any."

"Ok." She whispered softly.

Without a word they reached for each other's hands. Willow wasn't sure how long they stood there, feet frozen and hearts heavy with fear before Xander spoke.

"Just think Willow, tomorrow isn't that far away. We just have to get through the next few hours." 

He offered her a small smile, which she gladly returned as his words sank in. He was right; tomorrow was going to be a new day. It was going to be a difficult journey to get there, but they would. Together.

"Oh, and Willow?"Xander stopped and pulled her so close their noses were almost touching.

She offered him a radiant smile, breathing heavily and blushing at her obvious delight toward his action.

"Yes?"

"This time around, I promise not to steal your Barbie."

Finis!


End file.
